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Yep, I'm about 7 tires tall. This is before our rousing game of roll down the hill wrapped in rubber! |
3) If you have a distributor, nothing is easier to do (or cheaper) than to advance the timing. If you're too cheap to buy a timing gun, just disconnect the TPS, rev over 3k a few times to lock it in set timing mode, and move your distributor a few inches- a good estimate, right? Wait, maybe its centimeters. How about a finger length??? Well, you get the point…
And gas is expensive so instead of higher octane like recommended with advanced timing, just turn up your system (er, boombox) to tune out the little pinging sounds of detonation in your engine.
4) Rent an air powered die grinder and a compressor and you can port and polish your own head (“without removing a rib?”- MK). Straighten and contour the intake and exhaust ports and reduce the restrictions that contribute to pumping losses. Increase flow velocity and improve airflow to the cylinders. Add more fuel and solve the equation for horsepower. Some old sunglasses, a handkerchief, and gloves are all the safety equipment you'll need to protect your face and hands from the flying metal chips.
Be careful- it's not a pumpkin. Don't carve out too much! A good velocity is necessary to keep the air flowing into the cylinder and help with complete cylinder filling. Go too big and you'll get slow throttle response at low rpm and crappy volumetric efficiency at high rpm. Enlarging the ports too much could also weaken the head and it could bend, blowing or cracking the head gasket. But what am I telling you this for? I'm sure that semester in high school auto body taught you all you need to know… Also, since you can't afford to polish the combustion chamber to inhibit carbon buildup, see my tip on advancing the timing for how to drone out the sounds of detonation.
Other quick ideas for the more ambitious:
4) PVC pipe roll cage. Nothing screams “I handle like a race car” as loudly as a piece of lightweight plastic resting across the floorboard of your backseat and up towards the roof of the car.
5) Whipped cream isn’t just for the bedroom (I mean ice cream sundaes) anymore! Inject it into the engine for a burst of power. Nitrous is a propellant of aerosol based whipped cream bottles and buying it on a double coupon day at the grocery store is much cheaper than the real thing!
6) Do it yourself turbo. If you can afford 2 hair dryers, it's a twin turbo setup! Grab that leftover PVC pipe and couplers from the roll cage, a few screws, and some high temp ceramic paint to route all the piping to that interfooler you already owned. Sorry, the Krylon left from your tagging days won't work. Sure, the only thing you're really boosting is your ego and the only increased airflow is in your head but at least it looks cool, in a ricer sort of way!
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| This idea goes both ways- dry your hair in a third the time! I suppose if this was really hooked up, you probably could dry your hair with it… |
7) Add stickers- 5 hp a piece. A roll call on your car is the perfect shopping list for a thief.
With a little thought and the change you find in between your sofa cushions, you can produce a monster racing beast… or not!
NEWS FLASH: There is no cheap way to the winner's circle. You can free up horsepower with some easy and cheap mods but do things right the first time, so you don't spend more money fixing them later. You gotta empty your wallet if you want to “go fast or suck!”
** The “recommended” mods in the preceding article were facetious and satirical. Happy April… fools! **
